The Adventures Of Don L, Grandson of Zorro
by Duchess of Inkling
Summary: The dashing Don L is come to Hogwarts to display his heroism and to free the rich and privileged from the oppressive grip of the poor and less well-bred. Who shall be his targets? Who is the object of his affections? And what is his real identity?
1. Default Chapter

(A/N: Well, I warmly welcome you all to an entirely new series of exceedingly dumb stories about Lucius Malfoy. These, however, are not part of the Pureblooded Antics series, but something entirely separate. Another series of the aforementioned shall also be started soon, and so be so kind as to not confuse the two. As I was saying, a new series. No length or storyline has been planned for this series as yet, since it was created in a bout of inspiration so sudden, that it left no room nor time to reason. The title basically reveals the subject- the adventures of Lucius' alter ego, Don L. You may blame the idea entirely on the Adam Ant song _Spanish Games_- which is fantastic, and also the music the story is set to, so listen to it- on said Adam Ant's performance on the _Cannon and Ball Show_, and on Douglas Fairbanks' porn outfit in _Don Q, Son of Zorro_. Enjoy.)

**Chapter One: You Can Be My Matador**

It was a quiet evening, and Severus Snape was sitting in his office grading essays and drinking tea, when suddenly a strange sound made him start. It was a kind of strange clicking noise, and sounded rather a lot like a pair of castanets. But no, it couldn't be…

He returned to the essay, nonchalantly scribbling a line here and there in red ink, when a few bars of fiery flamenco music reached his ears. He looked up and around him sharply, but his office was as empty as ever.

"Ten points from whatever house you're in, and a month's detention if you don't show yourself immediately!" he shouted into the dark. But all was silent. Growling softly to himself, he got back to the essay. But he didn't even get as far as finishing the T he was rather artistically drawing on it, before he was once again interrupted by the irresistible and exhilarating rhythm of the flamenco.

"Aargh!" he said, getting up from his chair in order to dash around his office and find the scoundrel who kept intruding on his quality essay grading time. But his roving eyes fell not upon an unfortunate student, but upon the satin clad figure of Lucius Malfoy, who was standing before him. "LUCIUS!" Snape shouted, perplexed.

Lucius nodded gracefully, tipped his Spanish hat, took the red rose from between his well-formed lips, and threw it with practiced carelessness onto the professor's desk, while his black cape fluttered about him dramatically. Then he put his hands on his hips, the whip he was holding in his right hand curling down to the ground alongside his thigh-high black boots, threw back his head and, in this posture, stood for some time, while the flamenco blared on in the background. Snape just stared at him.

"Why is there flamenco music playing in my office, Lucius?" he finally asked in a dangerous voice. Lucius looked at him, threw back his cape, turned away slightly, clapped his whip, and did a few dismal flamenco dance moves. "And why are you wearing those… those…" Snape stopped there, apparently too nauseous to continue.

"I have come," Lucius said, in a passionate voice, "to liberate you from the oppressive forces of the cruel and immoral blaggard Dumbledore!" Snape's eyes narrowed.

"Is that…" he said, squinting at Lucius' upper lip… "Did you… paint on a moustache?"

"Yes!" Lucius declared, striking a heroic pose, "In marker!"

"Marker?" said Snape, alarmed. "But that… "

"Yes! It does not wash off!" Lucius interrupted, jumping onto the desk, taking out his sword and fighting some invisible enemy with it. "Haha! Take that, Mr Rain!"

"Right." Snape said, raising an eyebrow as he stared up at Lucius' tight trousers, "Could you leave and bother some other lucky soul, please? I have essays to grade."

"Insanity!" Lucius bellowed, making a sweeping gesture, "Go away, and leave you in the claws of that monster? Never!" He cracked the whip again and did a dance on top of the Ravenclaw essays. "Never, while the sun burns red over the plains of Hogwarts, while there is flamenco music to inspire the hearts of men with sensual passion, while there is pride to inflame my heart, shall I leave you to the mercies of that greedy villain!"

At these words, a sudden dramatic light fell on Lucius, and the background music rose to new heights of camp. Snape sighed. "Lucius, shut up, and go away." He sat down again to grade the essays that Lucius hadn't stepped on.

"But Severus!" Lucius wailed ardently, "You can be my matador!" He kneeled down on the desk in a gallant manner, his leather boots creaking.

"I don't want to be your matador, Lucius." Snape said, calmly pulling an essay out from under Lucius' Cuban heel.

"Only you can tame my wild heart! Only to you is Don L prepared to reveal his secret identity!" Lucius pressed on ardently. Snape looked up.

"Don L?" he said, blinking in puzzlement. He cleared his throat and gazed up at Lucius intently. "Do you know…" he said, "… your moustache needs to be re-applied?" Lucius gasped.

"Quick! Before I am found out!" he said, putting a gloved hand to his brow. Snape opened a drawer in his desk, pointed his wand at it, muttered something, and took out a black marker. He leant in close to Lucius, and carefully redrew the moustache on his lip. For a moment, Lucius was ecstatic. Then…

"Hmm… smells funny, that marker." He said, looking slightly dazed. "Rather like chloroform." His eyes shut slowly, and he fell to the ground with a thud and a swoop of his cape.

"Finally, some peace and quiet," Snape muttered, looking at the unconscious shape on the floor. He shuddered. "Those trousers…" he said, and shook his head in disgust.


	2. Chapter Two: Lock Up Your Things, You'll...

(A/N: Happy Easter, and all that. I hope you all drew obscene pictures on your eggs, binged on chocolate and decapitated many a butter lamb. Adios, cabalerros! Your Duchess)

**Chapter Two: Lock Up Your Things, You'll Be Robbed**

Remus Lupin was walking back to the cardboard box he called home, gazing down fondly at the bar of chocolate he was holding with both hands. "Who's a pretty bar of chocolate?" he cooed, "Who's covered in shiny, shiny foil? You are! You are!" He had just come to the corner of the field of turnips where his box was located, when an ominous shadow fell across his path. He stopped immediately, wondering why there was suddenly very camp flamenco music playing in a turnip field, and tentatively looked up.

There was a man in rather compelling thigh-high boots standing between him and home. He had oddly familiar looking blond hair, but, as he was wearing a mask, Lupin couldn't tell who it was. "Ha! Ha! Ha!" the man said. "If it isn't El Lupin!"

"No, it isn't," Lupin said earnestly, staring at the man's boots, "I'm R. Lupin. Sorry, you appear to have mistaken me for someone else." He was about to continue his walk, when he noticed that the man hadn't budged.

"Ha! Still a joker, eh, El Lupin. But then, you always did like your little jokes, didn't you?" The man said, wrapping his cape around him so that it fluttered more in the weak breeze.

"Er, yes, I do enjoy a good joke," Lupin said, confused.

"Ah yes," the man said, taking out a sword, "and there are so many other things you also enjoy, aren't there? Such as…" he made a few quick and difficult to follow movements with the sword, and finally made the very tip of it touch the bar of chocolate Lupin was still holding tightly. "…torturing innocent bars of cocoa-flavoured confectionary!" The flamenco music blared significantly louder at these words.

"Cocoa-fla… what?" Lupin said, confused.

"Ha!" the man exclaimed so loudly it made Lupin jump, "Don't act innocent with me, El Lupin! Confess that you were about to drag this delicious chunk of crunchy goodness back to your secret lair, in order to chew upon it for so long a duration of time that you could absorb every last drop of its sweet, sweet chocolatey lifeblood- in short, that you intended to consume it?"

"Well… er…" Lupin said, not denying that that was exactly what he was planning to do, but thinking that admitting it would probably not result in anything good, "…maybe."

"Then I have bad news for you, El Lupin!" the man boomed out, gesturing wildly, "For, as long as Don L., grandson of Zorro, roams the plains of rural England, he shall not stand by, and allow innocent sweets to be murdered for the pleasure of the oppressor!" With a few swift movements, he had pried the chocolate from Lupin's hands with his sword, and caught it himself.

He gazed down at it in an over-romantic manner, while the sky coloured a sentimental dusk red above him. "But it's four in the afternoon!" exclaimed Lupin, looking up.

"It's romantic, you idiot," the masked man said to him.

"It's not, and that chocolate is mine!" Lupin said, taking out his wand, planning to sic an Accio on the chocolate if it wasn't returned to him instantly, "Could you give it back to me, please?"

"Sorry, El Lupin, but this is one battle you won't win!" the man declared triumphantly, and before Lupin realised what had happened, he had slashed a clumsy 'L' in the latter's moustache and disappeared.


	3. Chapter 3: Lock Up Your Shed, Because Ju...

(A/N: I'd like to grasp this nice, long, hard opportunity to communicate to you the existence of a series of quite hilarious stories about that fabulous pansy Draco by my good friend MoragC, which everyone should peruse, and, if their intellectual abilities permit it, possibly even read. For this instalment I'd like to thank the El Gaucho restaurant in Leiden, Holland, and I'd also like to ask them not to sue me. And lastly, I'd advise everyone to watch 'Winnetoe and his friend Old Firehand', because no-one's education is complete without it)

**Chapter 3: Lock Up Your Shed, Because Juanito's Coming**

The legendary Don L, liberator of the free and protector of those who are too lazy to fight for themselves, was just reposing on a tasteful leather couch of the renowned establishment El Gaucho to enjoy a bounteous meal of Mexican goodness.

Unfortunately, after a row with some stubborn members of the households, no such luxuries as proper food were now permitted him at his (highly secret) abode. In fact, said members of the household had used rather harsh words to rebuke his, in his opinion, rather humble request for tacos. Some of these words had sounded rather like "bonkers", "fake Zorro", "need therapy", "suspicious-looking outfit", and something along the lines of their refusing to "be expected to go along every time he had a pathetic, and frankly disturbing, whim like this".

In all honesty, he felt more than slightly insulted after this explosion of hostility towards his assumed persona, and, having expressed his disappointment in finding that they did not wish to support him in his difficult mission, he accordingly went away in search of nourishment, and ended up here.

A waiter approached him, looking wary. "Good evening, my friend," Don L said, "do not fear! I am the benevolent bandit Don L! Ha! Ha!" He took out his sword and quickly carved a large L into the wall. "There, my mark to prove it." The waiter raised his eyebrows, took his order for "one of those large flappy things, filled with those things, and those other things, and those spicy things, with some of those crispy things on the side", and hurried away, looking over his shoulder rather a lot.

Don L knocked back a shot of tequila, sighed, and leant back in his seat, a charming smile on his face. This was the life, he thought. Nothing could really beat sitting in a dark restaurant with fake views on the desert painted on the walls, cow skin on the seats, and kitschy bronze bull statues. Well, almost nothing. Robbing people while sitting in a dark restaurant with fake views over the desert painted on the walls, cow skin on the seats, and kitschy bronze bull statues would probably be even more fun, but he wasn't sure, as he hadn't tried that before.

While he was thus musing on this grand question of life, the door suddenly flew open in an ominous manner. A film soundtrack started to play in the background, which sounded suspiciously like the theme from 'Winnetou and his friend Old Firehand'. The good Don L, always vigilant, jumped up immediately, and took out his sword. In the doorway stood a mystery figure, wearing a cape, dramatically silhouetted against the blood red sky and golden light of the dusk, that came pouring in through the open doorway.

Don L's eyes narrowed. Could it be? As the person in the doorway stepped inside, there could be no doubt. "El Lupin!" Don L. exclaimed, grasping his sword more firmly.

"Yes! It is I!" El Lupin cried, taking off his hat and throwing back his greying hair. "I bet you weren't expecting me, were you, Don L? I bet you thought you had beaten me by taking away my chocolate! But think again, for I am back, and I have come to avenge myself, and take back what you have so cruelly robbed me of?"

"What, you mean your vir…" Don L. started confusedly.

"No!" El Lupin said hotly, "My chocolate, you fool! Now, prepare to stand and fight!" El Lupin took out a stick and parried with it in Don L's general direction.

"But that's a stick!" Don L. said. "And it's not even a wand! I'm not going to fight you if you're using that."

"I must admit that steel swords are rather outside the reach of my limited budget, but that does not mean I have not taken care that this sword will withstand whatever pathetic attacks you shall make on it!" El Lupin said. "Haha! I knew that taking that extra Transfiguration course in changing wood into camp film props would pay off!"

"Ha!" Don L. mocked, "Well then, what are you waiting for?" Immediately, El Lupin made a lunge for Don L's satin shirt, and slashed a huge "L" into it. "Hey!" Don L. cried out in surprise. Then he started to laugh.

"What?" El Lupin said, annoyed. "What's there to laugh about?"

"The 'L' is my sign, El Lupin!" Don L. triumphantly declared. "It seems you have to do some research before you attempt to avenge yourself again, and infringe on my copyright. Ha! Ha! Ha!"

"Aaargh!" El Lupin growled, striking a dramatic pose, "You have defeated me again, Don L! But mark my words, I will get my revenge, if it's the last thing I do!" Shaking a gloved fist, he stormed off, his cape fluttering behind him, while the theme from 'Winnetou and his friend Old Firehand' played on in the background.

Don L sat down again, and unfolded his napkin. Striking a pose meant to suggest intellectual activity, he wondered whether El Lupin would return, and, if so, when he would strike again. He certainly hoped it wouldn't be on Thursday night; the night he meant to declare his love to the one he secretly admired…

(A/N: OMG CLIFFHANGER!)


	4. Chapter 4: He'll Go Looking For Your Fav...

(A/N: Sorry for mixing the names Lucius/Don L, but the focus on Snape demanded it, I feel. Feel free to ignore it if you find it annoying. Well, insert witty comment/innuendo/brain-meltingly stupid remark here. Yours truly, your slightly overworked and haggard Duchess)

**Chapter 4: He'll Go Looking For Your Favourite Pet, Olé**

Severus Snape was humming a merry tune-or rather, growling a-melodically, but humming a merry tune sounds better- as he pickled jar after jar of kitten's heads. He was already feeling giddy at the thought of how the six years students would look at having to put kitten's heads in their potions tomorrow. 'Ah,' he thought, 'sometimes being a teacher is not so bad after all.'

He was just putting the lid on jar number six, when an ear-splitting screeching sound filled the room. He cringed. The noise was so loud, and so terrible, that he feared the jars would crack, and so he quickly conjured some earplugs, then walked around his office, trying to hear from where it was coming.

As he passed the open window, the sound became distinctly louder. He peered up through it, thinking perhaps Professor Sprout was harvesting mandrakes again. But no. The only thing he could see through the window were two very familiar-looking boots with Cuban heels. "Lucius!" he hissed, and, having pushed the window further open, climbed through it onto the Hogwarts grounds.

"Lucius!" he said, straightening up, "What in the name of…" He forgot to finish his sentence, so stunned was he by what he saw. Lucius, dressed up in that silly Muggle costume he had been sporting of late, was standing outside the open dungeon window, a violin suspended in mid air before him, which he was playing, or rather, torturing, with his wand. Lucius appeared not to notice him, and continued to play, his eyes closed in bliss. "LUCIUS! Snape said. "Stop that this instant!" Lucius opened his eyes, and at the sight of Snape, let the violin drop to the floor, and fell to his knees.

"Severus! You have come to me!" he declared, gazing up at Snape fondly.

"Quite." Snape said, taking out his earplugs. "Thank Merlin you stopped playing that violin. I thought it was going to give me a brain haemorrhage. Now what are you doing here, and why are you still wearing… that?" He made vague arm movements in the general direction of Lucius, trying not to look at his tight trousers too much.

"Oh Severus! I knew that serenade would work! At last, you are mine!" Lucius said, wrapping his arms around Snape's knees.

"What are you talking about? I'm not yours, I only came out here to make you stop that infernal noise." Snape said, irritated, and looking at Lucius with an expression of disgust. He unwrapped Lucius' arms, and took a step back. "Now please go away. Don't you have a home to go to, for Merlin's sake?"

"I could not rest until I had declared you my undying love," Lucius said, rising again. "and until you knew the true identity of your beloved Don L."

"Stop that babbling," Snape said, frowning, "I know exactly who you are. And who's Don L?"

"I'm Don L., you dolt." Lucius snapped, for a moment forgetting his romantic air.

"I don't have time for this," Snape said, turning around, "I have classes to prepare." He was about to walk off, when he was suddenly grabbed by the waist and swung around.

"You're not going anywhere!" Lucius said, "I am going to reveal my identity to you, and declare you my love, and it's going to be romantic, whether you want it to or not!" He swept Snape up and into a passionate embrace.

Snape grumbled in protest, his voice smothered in Lucius' cape, and he tried to worm his hand free and find his wand. He had to get out of this, and soon. Then, he was suddenly released, and fell to the ground. "Aargh!" He looked up, to the traumatising sight of Lupin in an outfit disturbingly similar to that of Lucius. "LUPIN!"

"El Lupin to you!" Lupin said.

"El Lupin?" Snape snorted derisively. "Now _there'_s a name that's going to strike fear into the hearts of men. And why is the theme from _Winnetou and his friend Old Firehand _playing?" El Lupin opened his mouth to reply, but was checked by Lucius' sword against his throat.

"Halt, scoundrel!" the heroic Don L. said. "Stay away from him, or you shall have my blade to answer to!"

"Ha!" El Lupin said, "Your blade is about as deadly as an uncooked tortilla!" He took out his own sword, and a thrilling swordfight ensued, interrupting every now and again by witty one-liners. Snape took his chance to sneak away, but he had only just gotten his legs through the dungeon window, when he was being dragged out again by El Lupin.

"Let me go or I'll…" Snape started, but El Lupin wasted no time in conjuring a gag over his mouth.

"Ha! Ha! Ha!" El Lupin laughed evilly, "Now that I have kidnapped the object of his affections, Don L shall do anything I want!"

"Hmmpfff hmmpff!" said Snape angrily, and pushed El Lupin away.

"Hey, you're not supposed to escape!" El Lupin said, lunging at Snape. But Don L, recovered from El Lupin's fatal poke in the arm (which had nearly caused a bruise), suddenly appeared between the two. Rapid as lightning, and with the grace of the wild mustang, he took off one of his gloves, and slapped El Lupin in the face with it.

"I challenge you to a duel!" Don L said. "For my beloved's honour and love!" Snape, who had freed himself from El Lupin's gag, snorted.

"You are both imbeciles! I don't have any honour, nor do I possess any love. If you'll excuse me, I have a life." he said, and wandered off to get a drink.

"I accept!" El Lupin said, ignoring Snape's departure. "I expect you to state your terms on this exact spot, tomorrow at noon."

"Very well!" Don L answered, putting his glove back on. Then the two desperadoes draped their capes around themselves, nodded haughtily at each other, and walked off into opposite directions.

(A/N: Uh oh… a duel! How bodice-splittingly exciting. My corset is already falling open from sheer curiosity. What shall be their weapons? Who shall win? What will Snape do? Ah, the questions! Some of them will be answered in the next chapter. If I feel like it.)


	5. Chapter 5: He Will Hold Up, Stab, Or Sho...

(A/N: There is no need for an author's note, but the story just felt so naked without one. And then it made me feel guilty, and slightly perverted, so I finally gave in and wrote one. Oh yes, I have forbidden myself to write anything until I've finished my essays, so updating could take a year or so. Argh. If anyone has any tips on comparing satire in Dickens and Wilde, or expert knowledge on cyberfeminism, they are at liberty to write my essays for me.)

**Chapter 5: He Will Hold Up, Stab, Or Shoot You, So That He Can Get It In**

It was a warm afternoon, and in a field in southern England, two men approached each other on top of a low hill. They stood opposite one another at about two feet's distance, an expression of stubborn pride on their faces. They remained in this position for a while, until one of them looked to his right, clearing his throat noisily. Nothing happened. He hissed "Severus!" very loudly, and returned to his former posture.

After a few seconds, a third man, this being Severus Snape, entered the scene, climbing up the hill slowly and with reluctance. When he arrived at the top, he sighed, glared at the others, and then stared into the distance, looking very displeased. "Alright, let's get this over with as soon as possible." He said. "You can choose the weapons, Lucius…"

The blondest of the two other men growled "It's Don L!" at Snape. Snape raised an eyebrow.

"Alright, _Don L_… Even though you challenged Lu… er, _El_ Lupin, everyone knows I severely dislike El Lupin, so I'm willing to give you an advantage. You can choose the weapons." Don L stuck out his tongue at El Lupin, who huffed. "Get on with it!" Snape added impatiently. "I'm giving Longbottom detention at five, and I do not intend to miss it."

"First, we must toast!" Don L said, striking a pose and grinning wildly as though he had just done something exceedingly clever.

"Toast?" Snape asked. "What on earth for?"

"For a successful and pleasurable duel, of course," Don L said, still grinning, his teeth glittering in the sunlight.

Snape stared at him for a moment. "Merlin's beard…" he said, and very boredly conjured up a bottle of wine and two goblets. "Suit yourself." He poured the wine, and handed the goblet to Don L.

"To you, El Lupin, that you may be a worthy opponent, and to you, dear Severus, the light of my life." Lucius raised his glass at both, and then took a couple of gulps of the wine. "Your turn, El Lupin." He then said, handing the goblet to El Lupin.

El Lupin eyed the goblet distrustfully. "How do I know this isn't poisoned?" he said.

"Why, you just saw me drink from the very same goblet, El Lupin! Do you mistrust your own eyes? Ha! Ha! Ha!" Don L laughed in a very artificial manner, looking superior.

El Lupin looked at Snape, who shrugged again.

"I can't disagree with him." He said. "I didn't see him tamper with it." After a slight pause, El Lupin took the goblet from Don L., and very slowly and hesitantly took a sip from it. And another. Then he gave the goblet back to Snape.

"Haha!" Don L immediately cried, pointing at El Lupin with a gloved finger, "That wine contained a very deadly poison! I put it in while I was making the toast, and you did not notice! You see, I am immune to it, and drinking from it did not affect me, while you are now being weakened and probably already dying as we speak!" He put his hands on his hips and laughed diabolically.

"What do you mean?" El Lupin said. "I drank lemonade." Don L's stopped laughing abruptly, and looked at the ground.

"Argh! Not again! I _always_ mix up the _Inserumentus _and_ Inlemonadus_ spells…" he said.


	6. Chapter 6: Hasta Manana, Monsieur

(A/N : I'm afraid this chapter makes no sense at all. But that's just too bad. I would like to grasp this opportunity to pimp to you the new series of Far Too Numerous Antics Of Lucius Malfoy that shall appear on this very website tomorrow night. Do wander over and cop a feel. Also, everyone should watch TheBig Lebowski, and keep an eye out for Jésus, who is the most Don L-like character I've ever seen. This one's for you, Jésus.)

**Chapter 6: Hasta Mañana, Monsieur**

On the Hogwarts grounds, two men were fighting. They had been doing so for nearly an hour. A crowd of students was standing at a safe distance, and among them a group of teachers. Professor Dumbledore was looking on, intrigued, eating peppermint frogs from a small box at an alarming pace. Professor Snape was standing next to him, frowning severely. Every now and again he grimaced in disgust. Or rather, embarrassment.

"I don't see why you dragged me out of my third-year Potions class for this, Albus." he said.

"Now, Severus," Dumbledore said, getting another box of sweets from his robe pocket, "you know why I had to bring you here. After all, the person who's the prize of the duel has to be the judge." He stuffed two blood lollipops into his mouth.

"I am not the prize!" Snape snarled. "I'm an autonomous person. And apart from that, I have nothing to do with either of these degenerates." Behind them, McGonagall snorted. "I heard that, Minerva." Snape added in a low voice.

"Oh, sorry, I have a cold." McGonagall said, the corners of her mouth twitching as though fighting back a smile. Snape turned and glared at her. "However, I am also quite sure of the fact that Don L threw you a rose at the start of the duel, and told you that, in case he should die, it would be for you." Snape glared, but did not protest. "Furthermore, he declared you his love by singing "There Is A Nose At Spanish Hogwarts", and whispering in the ears of every single person in the vicinities that he loved you with the ruthless passion of a herd of stampeding bulls." Snape mumbled something incomprehensible, and turned back to look at the fight.

Don L. was currently pulling El Lupin's hair, while El Lupin was trying to stamp on Don L.'s foot. Don L. accidentally pulled a tuft of greying hair clean out, releasing El Lupin, who fell to the floor, and immediately grabbed Don L's boot, trying to floor him. Instead, he pulled down the zipper, revealing Don L.'s beautiful, shapely calf- and pink Miffy socks.

"Haha!" El Lupin said triumphantly. "I have discovered your dark secret, Don L.! You wear… Miffy socks!" Don L. wailed in a pained way.

"No! I am undone!" he cried, and fell to the floor. "You have discovered my weakness! My shameful secret! My DOOM!" He writhed for a moment or two, sentimental music suddenly playing in the background. Then he crawled over to where Snape was standing. Snape recoiled slightly, bumping into McGonagall.

"Oh, Severus!" Don L howled, "I am sorry. I must surrender. An awful trick has been played on me, my love, I must give up." Stifling a fake sob, he disapparated. Snape cleared his throat.

"Well, El Lupin…" he said to El Lupin, who was coming towards him. El Lupin checked him with a curt gesture.

"I have won the duel, Snape," he said. "You are mine! I shall finally avenge myself… and…" his eyes filled with tears, ".. my precious chocolate… upon that vile beast Don L!" El Lupin raised a fist at these last words. The sky suddenly turned a dramatic stormy grey.

"Aha. Actually, no, you won't avenge yourself, and no, I am not yours." Snape said to El Lupin, not at all impressed by his theatrics. "Or… I shall have to tell everyone here that you wear Hello Kitty socks. In a girl's size." El Lupin gasped, his eyes widening.

"Who told you that?" he wheezed. "I… er… you have no proof!" But he promptly disapparated.

Snape walked back to the castle feeling quite pleased with himself, and also thinking it was a good thing nobody knew of the Tinkerbell tights he kept stashed in the bottom drawer of his wardrobe, and, very wisely, only wore on holidays.


	7. Chapter 7: Why Do Girls Love Horses

(A/N: If you have a craving for something obscene, get the Adam Ant b-side Why Do Girls Love Horses? from somewhere, and I promise it won't let you down like your ugly and sexually conformist boyfriend did last week)

**Chapter 7: Why Do Girls Love Horses?**

"So then, I laughed at him and said…" Don L was saying to his companion Severus Snape, when suddenly, he disappeared.

"Lu… Don L?" Snape said, wincing at the name. He looked around, but couldn't see him anywhere. Then he heard a stifled shrieking sound, which appeared to come from the ground. He looked down, and there, at the bottom of a hole in the ground, sat Don L. "What are you doing down there?" Snape said, annoyed. He took a step toward the pit. "Didn't I tell you…"

Most surprisingly, he found that the ground had disappeared from under his feet, and he was falling. 'What a bother.' he thought, as he landed hard on the floor of the pit. Having dusted himself off, he got up again and looked up, thinking he may as well disapparate. But before he'd even gotten out his wand, he discovered a small door in the side of the hole. He opened it, and there was Don L, in the adjoining hole in the ground.

"Severus! Fancy seeing you here." Don L said, "It's no use disapparating. I already tried. Must be a ward on here."

"Fantastic." Snape said, sitting down on the floor, "We're stuck."

"Do not despair, my dear!" Don L declared, emphatically, "I shall get us out!" He got up, looking heroic. Flamenco music struck up in the background. Don L, in a powerful and impressive manner, stuck his sword into the earthen wall a couple of feet above the floor, then climbed onto it. "Er…" he said, gazing up at the sky, which was still many feet above him. He got down again. "Well, I tried." He said.

"Well done." Snape sneered, then noticed that Don L was looking at him markedly.

"You could, of course…" Don L said, examining his finger-nails.

"No." Snape said, curtly. "I'm not doing that."

"Please!" Don L said. "It's the easiest and safest way."

"No! Go away. I'm not doing it." Snape said, turning away.

"Please, I beg you!" Don L said, getting down on his knees, and grasping Snape's robes in despair. "No-one can see you, anyway." Snape remained stubbornly silent. "Or do you want to be stuck here with me for the rest of your life?" Don L said, his eyes glistening wickedly, his hands sliding down Snape's back.

"Okay, alright." Snape said, getting up abruptly. "Best to get it over with quickly. Out of my way." He pushed Don L aside, and closed his eyes in concentration.

Don L looked on, intrigued, as Snape's ears grew longer, his body changed shape, and fur started to grow on his face and body. His robes split open, as he grew in stature, and his limbs grew longer, into hoofed legs. His hair changed colour, and he sprouted a tail. Finally, there stood, in place of the big-nosed, skinny Potions master, a silver unicorn, with gleaming pink manes, a golden horn on its forehead, golden hooves, glittering gold stars sprinkled over its coat, with, as the coup-de grace, two huge, fluffy-plumaged purple wings folded across its back.

"Fabulous!" Don L said, as he looked at the now transfigured Snape. "You have the best Animagus form I've ever seen, you know. And its so handy, as well."

The unicorn whinnied in a low, sarcastic voice, and shook its beautiful head in a thoroughly annoyed manner, as if to say: "Shut up, you idiot." But since Don L did not speak unicorn language, he couldn't be sure. However, he decided not to annoy his equine friend too much, and climbed onto his back.

"Just like old times, eh Severus?" He said, swinging his leg over Snape's wide, gleaming back, and entwining his hands in the silky, luxurious manes. Snape made a dangerous growling sound, and he thought it better not to push him, so he remained silent, as Snape spread his wings, and they took off.

It was quite hard to retain his balance, as they flew up in a nearly vertical line, but within seconds they found themselves out in the sunshine, and Snape lost no time in descending and landing safely on the ground. But before Don L had time to compliment his friend on his qualities as a mode of transport, he heard that most dreaded sound: the high and slightly nervous laugh of the awful El Lupin. "El Lupin!" Don L exclaimed, as he looked up. "So it was you who trapped us!"

"Yes, it was I!" El Lupin said. "It was I who enclosed you, and your trusty horse, Moonshadow…" That was too much for the poor Snape.

As Don L snorted, and said: "Moonshadow? That's ridiculous!" the now enraged Snape made a terrible noise, charged at El Lupin, and kicked him in the stomach, while insulting him wittily- El Lupin didn't understand it, of course, but he was very much used to people not understanding his witticisms and therefore couldn't care less- before he and his rider, the legendary Don L, galloped away, into the sunset.


	8. Chapter 8: Theme Tune

(A/N: The idea for a theme tune forced itself into my brain as soon as I heard the anthem for Adam Adamant Lives, the 60s TV show. It just fitted so well, so I wrote the lyrics to the Don L theme tune to the melody. You may find it at: www. adam adamantlives. co . uk As soon as yours truly can find an obliging orchestra, she will record it, as well. Also, I apologise for taking this long to update, although I'm sure no-one will have noticed. And such. Adam Adamant lives, you know.)

**Chapter Eight: Theme Tune**

El Lupin was standing on the front lawn of Malfoy Manor, waiting for Don L to come out. He was fuming with rage, since the admirable Don had made a rather impertinent remark about El Lupin's very personal and not at all perverted relationship with his Hinkypunk the night before.

Standing as he was with his greying hair and bags under his eyes,and yawning every now and again, he provided a fearsome spectacle to all present. Which was no-one. After a while, just as El Lupin was wondering if the ground here was as soft and cozy as the ground he slept on, someone came out of the house. Squinting hard, El Lupin could just make out the person's lank black hair and murderous expression. It had to be Snape.

"Snape!" El Lupin cried, striding up to meet him.

"Yes, yes." Snape said, irritably. "Hold your peace, will you. He's on his way." He scowled dangerously at El Lupin, who sighed. Nothing happened for a long time. Some birds cawed in the trees around the house, creating a pleasant sinister atmosphere, and the sun shone down from the ominous clouds wanly, and all the poisonous flowers in the flowerbeds were in bloom, and all that.

El Lupin looked around for a while, noting all this. Finally, he yawned, looked back at Snape, and asked: "Look, is he going to come out or not?" Snape glared at him, but before he could answer, the door behind him opened.

"Pssssst!" a voice, which was unmistakably Don L's, said from behind the door. "Introduce me, will you!"

"I will not!" Snape hissed. "It's ridiculous."

"But it sounds so convincing when you sing it!" Don L pleaded.

"No." Snape said, but he looked slightly less annoyed.

"Please! Or I'll have to bring in Goyle Senior to sing it." Don L urged. Snape sighed.

"Oh, alright." he said. An orchestra struck up in the background. El Lupin looked on in amazement, as Snape drew a deep breath, and began to sing:

"Don L, Don L !  
Don L, Don L !

Gay as a knight in pink armour,  
Empty as an unloaded gun  
If you should look,  
For a man who's a fool,  
For a man who's a tool,  
This man is the one!

Snape, he's a man who's delusional,  
Snape, you would run if you knew!  
If what you want is a man who likes tights,  
Who in high heels delights,  
This man is for you!

Don L, Don L!  
Don L, Don L !

Are your braincells so far apart ?  
Reaching for a thought is like reaching for a star  
Did Snape arrive too late?  
A very cheap date  
Is that all you are?

In one minted breath, you may think he's a charmer,  
But idiocy is a life he has known,  
If you want brains,  
And your years full of intelligence,  
Brightness ever after,  
Leave this man alone!

Don L, Don L!  
Leave this man alone !  
Don L, Don L!  
Leave this man ALOOOOOOOONE !"

After the last note, Snape immediately crossed his arms over his chest again, went back to scowling. El Lupin applauded hesitantly. Don L, however, emerged from his house looking reproachfully at Snape.

"What?" Snape snarled. Don L stared at him. "WHAT? I swear I didn't change any of the lyrics this time." Snape said. But there was a very small trace of a smile on his lips...


	9. Chapter 9: This Town Ain't Big Enough

(A/N: Anyone who has read anything by her will know that your Duchess cannot resist the temptation to pimp. Which is why, this week, I am offering for your delectation, all defenceless and trembling, the epitome of culture that is _The Hogwarts Tinies_. You may find the illustrations so far here:  
strangehours. com/ portfolio/ papergashlyindex. html  
That is, if you're clever enough to remove the spaces from the link and put the old http thingy in front..)

**Chapter 9: This Town Ain't Big Enough For The Both Of Us**

The scene was a barren plain just outside Hogwarts, stretching from horizon to horizon in depressing and philosophical emptiness. Although, if a cowboy with a particularly keen eye would have passed by, he might have discerned two tiny figures, standing at a distance of 25 paces from each other, left of the only tree on this bare speck of earth. He might have been forgiven for not noticing the third person, who, in a rare attack of common sense, was standing in the shade of the tree, where he blended in with the black of the shadows completely. At present, this third person, who happened to be Severus Snape, was looking incredibly bored.

"Hurry up." He said to his companions. "I've already been waiting twenty minutes for you to start this imbecilic duel, and I'd like to be able to make it back for supper." Out in the field, the duellists paid him absolutely no heed whatsoever, as they were absorbed in building up tension.

A desolate tune whistled out across the field, as Don L, who was one of the duellists, very slowly reached up and took his decorative cigarette from his mouth. With agonisingly small puffs he let the smoke escape from his lips, before coughing as softly and carelessly as he could manage. From 25 paces away, El Lupin took three minutes to move his right foot two inches forward. Having taking a pause to let the music build up, Don L narrowed his eyes threateningly. In return, El Lupin straightened his back.

Beneath the Whomping Willow, Snape groaned in agony. "Get on with it, you idiots!" he shouted at them. Neither of the caballeros listened. Instead, they began to move their right hand towards their hip at a speed of approximately a millimetre per minute. Snape looked on in utter boredom. Then, an eerie silence fell, and without warning, Don L turned and ran away as quick as he could, squealing. El Lupin stood frozen with surprise, but Snape just sighed. "Happens every time." he said to himself, and walked back to Hogwarts.


End file.
